Apocalypse Survival for Dummies

I wrote this while on a sugar high from 4 or 5 litres of Monster

PROLOGUE

WHAT IS AN APOCALYPSE?

An apocalypse is an event. Not like your perverted uncles birthday or when you crap your pants. An apocalypse is a catastrophic event, and while crapping your pants or being felt up by some perverted uncle on his birthday may be catastrophic-apocalypse usually refers to one that effects the world. It's mainly associated with the destruction of the world or life as we know it. So you would probably only use this book once, but it was a good investment anyway no matter what your spouse says.

To show the true impact of an apocalypse let's show it in contrast to our very own human. What's his name? Well by the sticker on his shirt that says "Hello my name is David" most would guess his name was David...
-And they would be right. David is a store clerk for one of the leading wholesale centers. His boss is a dick who does the usual boss stuff. Complain, nag, fire and cheat on his smoking hot wife. That is in fact the life of an average rich person, but we aren't focusing on a rich person are we? No, otherwise David wouldn't have been introduced until the 'Meatshield' chapter. This is about David; a man who flunked out of college, a man who sits at home watching South Park reruns on his weekend and a guy who hasn't held a steady job(or girlfriend) for a while. His parents don't give a shit about their honeybunny and would rather spend their time in fancy dress dances and drinking wine more expensive than half of France than trying to get their son a life. This makes David the most convenient person to have an apocalypse happen to.

Unfortunately the rest of the world may possibly be destroyed. Maybe

APOCALYPSE CLASSIFICATIONS

Just to make you sure you understand what's going on, here is a short classification of the three types of apocalyptic misadventures that you shall be reading about in the next few pages:

Planetary Destruction:
This is usually based on happenings such as large rocks falling from the skies and destroying life as we know it or solar flares that set fire to earth and kill everyone, etc. It seems this is a good taker in late 90's/early 2000's apocalyptorians' theories. Movies with geriatric old gun toting astronauts who destroy meteors or rag tag space groups that usually end their mission with the most senior and experienced member dead are the cause for this. These movies brought this apocalyptical specimen into being.
[NB: Planetary Destruction is not referring to alien destruction in any way. For more on alien attempts of mass homicide; see Orbital Invasions for Dummies]

Return of the previously yet not completely deceased:
To be politically correct, we have had to change our name of the above apocalyptic disaster as the 'Z' word is no longer seen as sanctioned by the constitution. Hopefully you understand the gist of this apocalyptic genre from the title, if not then you may be in fact; a dumbshit. Most would know this case of apocalypse for it's primary characteristic which is in fact the undead. There are different variations adapted over time but it was one of the most documented apocalypses currently. Firstly, magical reincarnation was the deciding factor in bringing these bastards back to life. Slowly it changed into science being the harbinger of the beastly hordes. It is now regarded as a well known, (possibly false) fact that zombies may or may not be possibly brought back to life by science or magic. Or something else.

Global Warming:
The most boring of all apocalypses that only made it onto this list because since the early 2000's Al Gore and other boring realistic people who have more money and brains than most of us, introduced us to the concept of Global Warming. It isn't fabulous and doesn't have gun toting astronauts or skull munching corpses but it has engaged people's attention with a volley of crappy movies about the end of the world and 2012. This kind of apocalyptic misfortune is based on a theory (or stated fact if you must) that greenhouse gasses are slowly destroying the world. Most scientists also believe it may cause polar melting and a changing in water consistency which will change the currents and lead to drastic climate change. That is why this is one boring way to die.

Now that you have seen for yourselves the way in which our David will be tested, get through to reading the book, because this part was actually quite boring.

[For more apocalyptic genres please read Columbus's Encyclopedia on the Average Apocalypse by Columbus from Ohio]

This chapter will begin our explanation into how to survive the everyday misfortune of apocalypses. Everyone knows that you cannot be without food, water, other humans, a pet dog named Rufus, ammunition (and guns to put it in, obviously), a large bag of caramel fudge and short Irishman named Lucky. Fortunately, I will help you gather these essential items (and many more) over the next few chapters.

Companionship:

There are things to be said about Marshall Brown's Smoked Ham. Most of those things are bad. The ham is possibly the most disgusting thing created, used to threaten children if they don't want to co operate or go to bed. This kind of ham is the kind you don't want in your fridge, but it is also the most sold item in this aisle.
Daniel looked up and down the aisle, a silent place. The ham in his hand reminding him of countless euphemisms that he could have blurted to break the silence; but instead of having fun or bringing contrast to a rather boring day- he simply placed the ham on the shelf next to its brothers. This had been a particularly boring day, two cleanups on aisle four and a baby gone wild were the only things that brightened up his day at "Uncle Joe's Favorite" grocery store. It was possibly the next most boring job to accounting and cleaning up shit in public toilets.

"Clean up in Aisle four!"

"Urg," Daniel's eyes dropped to the floor as he started the long walk to the other side of the shop to clean up yet another vomit incident. Ever since that new deodorant had been in the shops, people had been throwing chunks as they walked past it, which is why he never breathed that stuff in when he walked past. Never.
He stepped out of the way as some old woman ran past pushing her trolley.
It was full of that deodorant. 30 or 40 bottles of the stuff. Maybe she likes vomiting, or is trying to kill someone. Either way, it looked like he'd be finally get payed at the end of the month, just those cans could probably pay for college if he didn't feel like getting drunk and molesting the dean's dog again. Poor dog.