Everywhere (Story)

Prologue

Stop it, just stop it… I plead in my head, I want everything to stop, the voices, the voices inside of my head, they are just too much, I can’t deal with it any more. It is too much for me. I sigh as the noise seems to have died down, thank god.

I open my eyes to find troubled blue eyes staring right into mine, I cock my head to the side slowly, who is the man in front of me? And when did he get here? “Who are you?” I ask in a neutral voice, completely ignoring the fact that I had just had a panic attack.

He raises his left eyebrow questionably, his blue eyes full with concern and amusement at the same time. “You don’t know who I am?” he asks clearly not expecting my question at all. I stare at him for some minutes, clearly not going to answer since it was obvious. He sighs and nods, mumbling something to himself although I can’t hear what he is saying. “It’s not important, but anyway, are you okay?” he asks and I nod, not really wanting to talk.

I stand up, “I think I better leave” the words leave my mouth while I start to walk away. But I'm not able to do so because he takes grip of my hand.

“Wait” he starts, “I have something for you” I stare at him while wondering what that something is. He notices that I'm not going to say something so he pulls out a small box. I raise my eyebrow and he smiles slightly. “You might remember me when you see this, but even so, I have to go. Bye Rye” it went pass me how he knows my name, apparently he knew me pretty well too, because no one has called me Rye in ages.

Before I can say something, he’s running away and disappears from my sight. I sigh and stare at the small box in my hand. It is a white box, small with a black ribbon through it. I trace my fingers across the surface, pondering if I should open it or not. Maybe later, I thought, Come on Babirye, you know you want to open it, my mind pressures, but I fight against it and win, I put the box in my jacket’s pocket and start the way to my flat.

I see eyes, they’re everywhere.
I see them, they’re looking at me,
Through me, at my soul,
They judge me, condemn me,
To hell, to pay my debt.

Chapter 1: The Lost Melody

I see them, they’re everywhere, looking at every movement I make and I can’t escape. I glance nervously behind my back, afraid of someone stalking me, but there’s no one. I sigh, relieved, but that relief lasts only one second because then I hear a footstep. I start running, without turning back anymore, going straight to my flat’s door and thrusting the key into the keyhole, turning it to unlock the door. I bolt into my home and close the door quickly behind me, hoping that whatever that was behind me wasn’t going to enter.

I pant and stare at the corridor that connects the entrance to the rest of my house. It is just like I had left it. My eyes are widely open; I notice that in fact, it isn’t just like I had left it. With doubtful steps I make my way towards the wall to my left.

A single blood stain standing out from my pale white wall, I don’t know how I didn’t notice it at first but now I am staring at it with wide eyes, wondering what had happened and why it was there. More importantly, who was this blood from.

I bring my shaking hands towards the spot, but freeze before touching it. What if it was a crime? I shouldn’t touch it, it would make me a suspect, I don’t want that. “What the…” I start to say before noticing more blood spots, they’re small and almost unnoticeable, but I do notice them, my sight being almost perfect. I back away some steps, making myself be able to see the whole wall, and my heart stops beating for a second.

“

I’m watching you, Babirye

”

I scream, an ear piercing scream, high pitched and full of the fear I am feeling right now. No one hears, of course no one does, I live alone, all by myself. I fall on my knees as memories flash in front of my eyes.

I stand alone in an empty field, the wind is strong and my hair flows because of it. The sun is already down and the sky is darkening, a deep blue with a purple tinge. I’m barefooted, I don’t see anything except the grass, and the big tree far away from the place I am at the moment.

A small hand takes hold of mine and starts pulling me towards the tree. I tilt my head down slightly to see the owner of the hand and find a small child. He smiles childishly while his blue eyes show me how happy he is at the moment. He pulls on my hand again, softly just wanting me to move and cocks his head towards the tree.

I let out a small giggle and nod, starting to walk beside him towards the tree. The walk seems really long; the tree is far away from the spot we’re at right now. But as I walk across the field towards it, I move my attention to the child that appeared out of nowhere. “Who are you, child?” I ask, curiosity filling my voice.

The child smiles again and shrugs his shoulders. “You silly Rye, of course you know me. I’m Nathaniel” he replies as if it were obvious.

I am about to reply but before I could say anything I am transported to another memory, or maybe it was a dream.

I’m not at a field anymore; instead I’m at an old flat. It looks trashed and unused. The windows are broken and covered by a thick layer of dust. The sky isn’t as light as it was before, now it is set at dusk and the room is barely lit by a light bulb that hangs loosely from a cable located in the ceiling in the center of the room.

I’m not alone and I know. I can feel his presence in the room; the only thing is that I don’t know where exactly he is. The light provided isn’t enough, I can’t even see the outline of most of the things.

Suddenly a hand covers my mouth and I freeze in the spot. I feel someone’s breath fanning my neck; the small hairs on the back of my neck stand up. An eerie melody starts to play and he lets a hysterical laugh out. A shiver travels down my spine. “Silly, you thought you could disappear, leave and never come back. But dear, you can’t hide from me, I’ll always find you” the guy says, and I feel my body start to shake, tears falling down my cheeks quickly.

Who is he, what am I doing here. Is this a memory or a dream? More like a nightmare. Those things pass through my mind and I can’t help but let out a strangled cry. I’m scared, I’m horrified, when will this dream stop? When will I wake up?

“No baby, don’t cry. I’m here with you. Don’t cry, I won’t hurt you too much. You’ll live, I’ll make sure that you live so I can make you suffer all you’ve made me suffer” he says with so much hatred, and I wonder what did I ever do to him to make him feel this way? Was it even me he was talking about? I hope not, I don’t want to suffer… I don’t even know why would I ever deserve it…

I feel something cold press against my cheek; it’s the blade of a knife. My eyes widen in shock and I start shaking more noticeably. The guy chuckles darkly and presses the blade harder against my cheek, eventually I feel blood travelling down my skin and falling like tears to the floor. “You look so beautiful when you’re scared… I want you so much…” he mumbles against my hair and I want to puke.

I wish I could say something to him, tell him to stop and run away from that place, but I’m frozen in the spot, not being able to move one inch or the blade will dig deeper into my skin. His hand moves and stops covering my mouth. I gasp for air, still crying. My cheek hurts from the cut, it adds to the pain my soul is feeling and suffering from. His hand travels down my body and rests at my thigh, he brings is painfully high. “I want you…” he repeats with his sickening voice, he wants me? I can’t do anything, he will probably have me. But I will never want him, I will never want him.

“Who are you?” I ask and am aware that I stuttered at first, chocked on my tears and pain, hurt and feeling just worthless. He chuckles and kisses my neck from behind, his lips lingering a second more than supposed. Another shiver travels down my spine, the feel of his lips against my skin is so wrong, so out of place. Who is he?

“I’m your angel” he says and then I’m transported yet again to another place, memory, dream; before I can reply anything. But I can’t help the million questions that are inside my head at the moment, who was he? What did he mean by being my angel? Is this some kind of joke? Seriously, who is he?

I find myself back in the place where everything began, my flat’s hall. I notice small teardrops in my hands; I glance to the wall in front of me, the one that had words written with blood stains to only find them gone. What has happened? Where did they go?

I leave the small white box, long forgotten since I found the message in my wall, in the corner of my hall, not visible to the common sight and hopefully I will not notice it anymore. I want nothing to do with it.

Leave the hurtful memories in a corner,
Forget all about them.
I don’t want to do it,
I don’t want to remember,
Remember what made me lose myself.
I’m better of not knowing,
Not remembering the hurt, the pain,
The worthless feeling I once felt.

Chapter 2: Willow Place

I just decide to have a quick shower so I can calm myself, it was all an illusion, I try to convince myself. But somehow I know that it was more than that. Who was the little boy, Nathaniel? Who was the grown up teenager that assaulted me in the old flat? Where these mere dreams or memories buried deep in my subconscious? If so, what triggered them to appear?

Once I took said shower I walk down to my kitchen and serve myself a glass of water. After drowning all the water down my throat I head to my bedroom, feeling tired now that I was finally relaxed and calmed, and fall asleep instantly on my bed, not even having the time to change into my pyjamas.

I feel hands travel down my body; their touch ignited my skin on fire, but it was different than normal fire… It feels like when you burn because your skin has been against ice for too long, his touch is ice. So cold… So lonely, so forgotten, yet real, and hurtful. I gasp, trying to open my eyes but only to find them glued closed. The one hand continues going down while the other settles on my stomach, caressing it in a sweet, more like sick, way.

The sick feeling that these actions make me feel is almost unbearable, I want to puke. It feels wrong, so wrong. Like that guy’s touch in the old flat memory/dream. Is this also a dream? But it feels so real. His hands, the way they feel against my skin, how he touches me… like if I were a thing, just something to bring him pleasure. But not providing me any of it. I want to wake up; if this is a dream I want to wake up.
But I don’t wake up,

He pulls on my clothes, I can feel my t-shirt being moved up, showing my stomach and I try to move my legs to find them immobilized, has he tied them to the bed? It seems to be the same deal with my arms. He continues caressing my stomach, his touch cold to my skin. A shiver travels down my spine and I know that it’s the same person from the old flat.
The same sick, twisted, mean person from the old clustered flat.

He kisses my stomach, as if were something dear for him… “I’m going to make you finally mine… Rye, I’ve waited too long, I can’t help myself anymore” he whispers against my skin, I don’t want this, I DON’T WANT THIS PLEASE STOP, PLEASE STOP WHOEVER YOU ARE, but not a single sound of protest leaves my mouth. Why can’t I say something to stop him? Maybe it’s because deep inside I know that nothing will ever stop him?

I start to wonder, why must this happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve this kind of treatment? But then I snap back into reality, I'm in my bed, alone. I don’t know where the man went to, or what has happened, was it real? I slowly pull myself up, checking my body. I find three scratches in my sides, looking like they were done by fingernails. Who did this? Cold drops of sweat run down my spine as I stand up and go towards my bathroom, time for another shower.

I don’t know exactly what had happened, if it were only a dream. But something in the back of my mind, or rather someone, told me that it was more than that. Maybe another “memory”? I have enough of this and decide to go visit my only friend, if she could even be considered that anymore, my sister, Alyssa.

It is a short walk across the town; the streets aren’t crowded so that adds to the result that in a mere ten minute walk I find myself in front of the cemetery “Willow Place”. I stare at the ground trying hard to not grimace when I get to the guardian’s post. He asks for my name and how long I will stay, I answer as calmly as I can trying to not notice his eyes focusing on something that aren’t my eyes. More like your boobs, my conscience says, but I choose to ignore it. It wouldn’t make this any easier.

Just ignore it, Babi, my mind told me, not my conscience, that blood thirsty monster that feeds my fears and makes my life a hell, wouldn’t you say, Babirye?, it interrupts my train of thought like that, because it never cared about what I had to say. Yes, now I’m the selfish one, the one who decides that you will be alone and sad for all of your life, if this can even be called a life. Please get over yourself, Rye; you’re not going to die just because a man is checking you out. Neither will you puke; so please shut up and let’s go meet Aly, it says and this time I can’t help but agree with it. I want to see her again, even if it has been like, what, two weeks? , since I last saw her.

Finally the man lets me go, so I resume walking, 23 graves in a vertical line, stop and turn left, walk down 8 graves. I stand in front of her, her small grave covered in lilies, her favorite flower, she was as pretty as a lily, it’s so sad that she left us, my conscience decides to add. Apparently Alyssa was the only person she was ever fond of. You’re wrong about that, but you don’t remember the other person, it corrects me, and I decide to stop talking about it. No time to correct your stupid conscience, just go talk to your sister.

“Hey Aly… It’s been a while since I last visited you, hasn’t it?” I ask absent-mindedly while playing with the petal of a lily. Of course it has, you horrible sister, it adds once again, but I know better than entering a fight with my own conscience. Which has a conscience of its own, my mind adds obviously annoyed, but I decide to ignore everything. “How have you been?” I ask to the air, well, dead, duh, I decide to just shut out both of the voices inside of my head. They were becoming too annoying lately.

Too active, too independent. It was like they acted on their own free will.

I continue my talking, “Everything has become worse now. Remember how I told you that I didn’t know what I would do without you?” I ask sincerely, “Well, then you died, Alyssa. And now everything has gone downhill. At first I could deal with it, with being alone… But now I just don’t know, it’s too much for me” I admit, “I am lonely, I am scared” I hate to tell her my fears, to tell her how I truly feel, but if I didn’t tell her, who would I tell them to? I would become insane, more insane than you already are? I thought I took you away? Leave. “The voices have become more independent, the nightmares have become worse… Now I can’t see the difference between reality and my dream world…” I kneel down before her grave, a single tear rolls down my cheek.

“I miss you, Aly. I really do… I wish you could come back to life and tell me that everything is alright” I look down, ashamed of being crying in front of her. “I’m not strong anymore; I’m weak, sister… I’ve become someone that I hated… Someone that I hate, and I don’t know how to leave this situation and make it become something better” I just don’t know how to feel normal again, how to stop bickering with them, with the voices inside my head. I wish I could have someone else to talk to me, but they have left me once you died, they think I was the one that killed you. How silly is that, Rye? Why would they think that? Maybe it was because your sleeves were wet and were in front of the tub when you found her drowned... dead.

It was a fact that people think I murdered my sister Alyssa, but I didn’t. I found her drowning in a bathtub, according to the doctors she had died before I had reached the bathroom so I was declared innocent. But no one cared about that, because they hate you. They just wanted a reason to hate you and now they have it. Without the happy Aly, who are you Rye? No one, you’re a shadow, you always were a shadow behind her happiness, her beautiful soul. You will never be happy Babirye, because you don’t deserve it. I shake my head, LEAVE, LEAVE NOW AND DON’T RETURN. Oh, but I am going to return Rye, bye for now.

The voices inside my head,
They keep telling me the truth,
Condemn me to hell,
Telling me that they have proof,
Proof that I’ve sinned,
Made mistakes,
And I will never be forgiven.