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 Unintended Evolution

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Gael
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Gael


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PostSubject: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeSun Aug 07, 2011 3:12 pm

This is a short story I wrote for the "So you want to be a writer?" contest on Gaia Online.

The Air Golem:

The Ice Twins:

The One Who Walks Alone:


Last edited by Gael on Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Gael
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Gael


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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeSun Aug 07, 2011 10:01 pm

Opinions and critques sought after and greatly desired!

Even the ones saying "This was total shit!"
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Gael
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Gael


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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeSun Aug 07, 2011 11:51 pm

New note: third an final portion complete!
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Shichibukai Hunter

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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeWed Aug 10, 2011 2:14 pm

It was alright. Short, but you got all the important details in. Good job.
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Gael
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Gael


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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeWed Aug 10, 2011 4:19 pm

*scratches head*

It needed to be 3 pages long for the contest, I wrote ten. But thanks for your opinion, James, I'm glad you liked it~
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Layman Iconoclast
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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeWed Aug 10, 2011 6:22 pm

Well I for one loved it, your writing has improved even just over this summer, and it was pretty awesome before anyway, good job
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LoreleiMaiden

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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeSun Aug 21, 2011 3:31 pm

Oh wow.
Your skill is utterly impeccable. *bows* I mean seriously...if you don't/didn't win or at least rank in that contest, there's something wrong with the judging.
I have to laugh at myself a little. Despite the obvious title being "The Air Golem"- I was rather shocked when I read the descriptions of the protagonist and "her." The way you conveyed their unnatural yet living bodies is a stroke of imagery genius.
The sense of foreboding and nervous tension that prevades this short story is so powerful and it makes for a really good read.
I also really enjoyed the way that you narrated the piece from the perspective of a non-human "object" that is also somehow alive. The undertones of "him" questioning his existence is also a nice addition.
It was the ending of this piece that really deeply affected me. The protagonist unknowingly almost gives up their barely valued life for the sake of their companion. "His" unintentional sacrifice is rather touching...and for a genuine moment, I thought he had actually died, trying to protect his fellow golem.
Extra bonus for the human character being the villanous madman...for some reason, I quite like stories that don't portray humans as divine saviours of the earth who would do anything to save another living being...too clichèd and too "Disney" at times. Your story pieces as a whole triumph over that though! So no worries!
The Ice Twins had some gorgeous descriptive pieces!
"Needles of ice rained down all around us, and I ended our earthen conveyor belt, switching instead to a curved wall that we took shelter underneath." Your use of imagery is, once again, flawlessly vivid and your subtle appeal to the senses really helped me to feel like I was truly "part" of the story myself. Reader immersion is something that's talked about but extremely difficult to actually master, (an actual author called Frank P. Ryan once told me this :3) and you do it so effortlessly! I have to congratulate you on that. I love the way the "female" golem has a minature epiphany and realises that the two of them should work together. It added a lovely personal touch.
Also, the scene of conflict between the ice golems and the earth golems was an extremely well written one. The sequence where the "female" golem gets injured was a tragic yet achingly beautiful one..."she" gets hurt but it gives the "male" a chance to confront his feelings for her.
Romance beautifully woven into the plot. Smile I approve!
Renatus and Renata at the end!!! OH MY GOD...it was sooo sweet! The story is short enough but you still manage to convey both their physical and psycological evolution (perfectly fitting the theme) from barely sentinent golems to full humans (with clay coloured skin but humans none the less).
I quite like Erik the fire demon...was the mention of all four elements in some shape or form, deliberate? Whether it was or not, it added an interesting dimension to the plot. The kind of idea that love can conquer all things and literally everything that the natural world can throw at you. It's really beautiful and the fact that such lovely sequences of tender thought accompany such fierce and power-filled battle sequences gives the story a good sense of balance.
The link at the conclusion to the story's exposition was also very effective. It gave a sense of the story coming full circle and thus a sense of true conclusion...a good kind of conclusion though. Renatus and Renata have finally overcome everything they needed to and after battling all impediments, triumphing over all obstacles they've finally found peace with each other..."earning" their rights to be human as such.

ANYWAY! It was a really excellent read! Great work overall, Gael.



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Gael
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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitimeMon Aug 22, 2011 9:05 pm

... Holy crap. Thanks so much Lore! I have a bunch of really good competition though... Thanks for all your opinions!

And yes, the four elements reference was intentional... for once.

Thanks once again!
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PostSubject: Re: Unintended Evolution   Unintended Evolution Icon_minitime

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